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Cytat
Do celu tam się wysiada. Lec Stanisław Jerzy (pierw. de Tusch-Letz, 1909-1966)
A bogowie grają w kości i nie pytają wcale czy chcesz przyłączyć się do gry (. . . ) Bogowie kpią sobie z twojego poukładanego życia (. . . ) nie przejmują się zbytnio ani naszymi planami na przyszłość ani oczekiwaniami. Gdzieś we wszechświecie rzucają kości i przypadkiem wypada twoja kolej. I odtąd zwyciężyć lub przegrać - to tylko kwestia szczęścia. Borys Pasternak
Idąc po kurzych jajach nie podskakuj. Przysłowie szkockie
I Herkules nie poradzi przeciwko wielu.
Dialog półinteligentów równa się monologowi ćwierćinteligenta. Stanisław Jerzy Lec (pierw. de Tusch - Letz, 1909-1966)
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.Justchapter14Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 173*talking and getting to know each other.It was obvious she d beendamaged by her folks, just like me.A perfect match.I fell for her right away.I thought I had finally met my true love.But she was too smart for that.She wasn t gonna let me bum-rushher into anything heavy. Look, John, maybe you should get to know me first, she said. Does that mean you have to get to know me too? Relax, she smiled. Maybe I ll like you. Anything s possible, I shrugged. I ve worked hard on myself so you don t have to, she went on. I ve worked hard on myself too! I said. Does it show? All I m saying is, if you could just be there for me sometimeswhen I need you, then we re golden.So let s play it by ear.Whateverhappens happens.Okay?Her coolness turned me on even more.I had always thought Ican t get it up unless a woman treated me like shit. I celebrated my thirtieth birthday the other day and my mothertold my father that I was a failure, Teeny once said. And I askedher, How could you say something like that? And she said, I didn tknow it was a secret. My soul mate.Pretty soon I got up the balls to tell her I loved her. Teeny, I lo Don t, she said. You re in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe I am screwed up, I admitted. I think it s cuz my brotherused to make monkey noises when he masturbated. That s so weird. Teeny laughed. My sister used to bleat like asheep. See! I said. We are soul mates. I don t wanna marry you, Teeny said. But I lo 174 JOHN LEGUIZAMO* John, grow up. Teeny laughed.And believe me I wanted to.A woman who calls me on mybullshit but is sweet when she does it.What the fuck happened? DidGod give me a coupon?I went back out to L.A., and soon Teeny joined me there, and weset up house in the little bungalow I was renting in Echo Park, whichwas as far across town from Hollywood as I could get.It was like ourlittle love nest, with a swing on the porch and avocado trees in thebackyard.We couldn t get enough of each other.We locked ourselvesup in the bedroom.We wanted to be together all the time.To exploreevery facet of each other s minds, bodies, souls.Nothing was off-limits.It was paradise.* * *nd then I went straight to hell.Well, to Hollywood, which isAonly about a block away.To film Spawn.Where I play the fat,flatulent clown from hell.I loved the comic book Spawn.Spawn was the first black super-hero.I was looking forward to playing a comic book character.I mnot good at being me that s why I have to act.It s why all actors areactors so we can spend as much of our lives as possible pretendingto be other people.So we don t have to face ourselves and fix our-selves and grow up and all.We re just kids in long pants.So playing acomic book character was perfect for me.Who knew what torture making that movie would be? Spawn wasdefinitely the most physically taxing movie I d made so far.The fat,flatulent clown from hell was literally a pain in my ass.Did you see that movie? Can you imagine being in that costume?Every morning they put me into that fat suit, it was like I was wear-ing a big medicine ball.And then a mask that fit over my whole headPimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 175*and face, right up to the eyeballs and lips.Plus contacts and sharpfake teeth.It was like being in a giant condom.I know I can be a dicksometimes, but this was ridonkeylous.It took like four hours every morning to get me ready, so oncethey got me into it I couldn t take it off.They glued on the prostheticmask, sticking it to every pore.It itches, but you can t scratch.After awhile my face actually started to blister from it, and calluses formedaround my eyes.And it got hot as hell in there.I was sweating bul-lets.I sweated maybe thirty pounds off.I got paid a lot for it 2 million dollars and a two-year productiondeal.Wepa! All I can tell you is I fucking earned it.Developing titanium bunsas the Clown from Hell.176 JOHN LEGUIZAMO*Michael Jai White, who played Spawn, was going through thesame agony.And he wasn t used to wearing contacts like I was, soeven his eyeballs hurt.Michael was fucking miserable.After Wong Foo, I was used to painful costuming.Still, the firstday I almost flipped out. Shoot, man.You gotta shoot right now.Because if you don tshoot, I m gonna tear this shit off.I m about to lose my mind in here,man.I m freaking out.There were days I told the producer, I m walking off.I can t takeit, man.The producer was, like, Dude, we re so close. I m outta here.I m so fuckin sick of this costume.To make matters worse, I did the whole part squatting down.Theclown is a short little fat guy, so I had to make myself shorter than Ialready am.At first they tried to rig various prosthetic devices thatwould give the illusion, like these bent stilts that would go up insidemy pants and end in a seat I could balance on.But everything theyinvented constricted my movement and put me off-balance.In theend, it was easier for me to squat.I squatted, and even squat-walked,through the whole shoot.By the end of filming I had titanium buns.I could have bent steelwith my buttocks.Not that that s anything to aspire to.But you neverknow.It s always good to have a skill to fall back on.If my acting careertanked, I could get a job in a freak show.The Mighty LeSqueezemo.Bends Steel Bars in His Ass.Sometimes shooting a scene would go on so long that I justcouldn t hold the squat anymore.My legs would be shaking and thenthey d give out and I d involuntarily pop up to a standing position.Pop! Cut! More like a jack-in-the-box than an evil clown
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